I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
