literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
