i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
