I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
