Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I don't deserve a penis
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
