I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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