my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
