don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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