you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize