Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
