you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize