if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
