TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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