I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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