i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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