my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
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