:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
