i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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