the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
