saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
