Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
