My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
