Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize