I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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