woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
