she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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