OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize