I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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