Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
