why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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