I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
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