i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Randomize