Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Randomize
