Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
