you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
