you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
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