dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
