Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
