i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
