omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
A+ Viking dick
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