I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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