My room smells like vodka and shame
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Holy sore nipples Batman
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize