You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
