I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
