Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
