I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
