hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
