I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
cat food counts as protein by the way
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
