I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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