In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
