So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
