i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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