I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
