my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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