You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
