Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize