she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
